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Partner A.Do I (Does he/she)…? “I” Partner BHave the will to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeHave the capacity, skills, & ability to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeFeel it is worth it to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeHave courage to change or grow (willing to deal with the energy, pain, struggle…) yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeRequired sum 4 4 INVESTPartner B.Do I (Does he/she)…? “I” Partner AHave the will to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeHave the capacity, skills, & ability to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeFeel it is worth it to change or grow… yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeHave courage to change or grow (willing to deal with the energy, pain, & struggle…) yes, no, maybe yes, no, maybeRequired sum 4 4 INVEST
Partner A (Jeanine, for example) answers four questions:1. Do I (Jeanine) have the will to change or grow?2. Do I have the capacity, skills, ability to change or grow?3. Do I feel it is worth it for me to change or grow?4. Do I have the courage to change or grow? Can I deal with the energy, pain, and struggle necessary to change or grow?
Continuing, Jeanine answers what he or she thinks about his or her partner (Frances in this example):
5. Do I (Jeanine) think my partner (Frances) has the will to change or grow?6. Do I think my partner has the capacity, skills, and ability to change or grow (or can learn or acquire them)?7. Do I think my partner feels it is worth it for him or her to change or grow?8. Do I think my partner has the courage to change or grow? Is he or she going to find the energy, and endure the pain and struggle necessary to change or grow?
Partner B- the second partner (Frances in this example) also answers four questions:9. Do I (Frances) have the will to change or grow?10. Do I have the capacity, skills, ability to change or grow?11. Do I feel it is worth it for me to change or grow?12. Do I have the courage to change or grow? Can I deal with the energy, pain, and struggle necessary to change or grow?
Continuing, Frances also answers what he or she thinks about his or her partner (Jeanine in this example):
13. Do I (Frances) think my partner (Jeanine) has the will to change or grow?14. Do I think my partner has the capacity, skills, and ability to change or grow (or can learn or acquire them)?15. Do I think my partner feels it is worth it for him or her to change or grow?16. Do I think my partner has the courage to change or grow? Is he or she going to find the energy, and endure the pain and struggle necessary to change or grow?
YES, YES, YES, YES… YES, YES, YES, YES…
YES, YES, YES, YES… YES, YES, YES, YES…
ME- nope: Once an individual has more or less given up (perhaps, from frustrating therapy), then he/she doesn't care what the other partner wants or believes. How adamantly positive the second partner is has become irrelevant. The individual is done regardless of continued efforts by the second partner.YOU- nope: Or, if the individual realizes that the other partner has essentially given up (perhaps, from observation in therapy), he/she must accept that personal continued effort is pointless. No effort can make the other partner re-invest in the relationship.NO- not have capacity: Within himself, George felt he could grow and change as needed to rebuild the relationship. Therapy revealed that Hal was too limited for a variety of reasons: developmentally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. George realized he could not make Hal be what he wanted and needed.NO- not have will: Julie had compassion for her partner Chappell's traumatic childhood, knowing that it affected their relationship. Julie tried to work with her in therapy, but Chappell became triggered and aggressively defensive. Julie eventually accepted Chappell was too emotionally fragile to address issues required for intimacy. Chappell could not find the will.NO- not have courage: Delton knew that his childhood sexual molestation by his great-uncle affected his ability to trust Lee. His family didn't believe him and scolded him for making trouble. Intimacy was hard- not just sexually. Lee understood how hard intimacy was for Delton and tried to be supportive, but also had a hard time being held at arm's length. Knowing he needed to deal with the trauma, Delton however could not find the courage to confront that pain despite Lee's support. Lee was sadly unsurprised that ultimately Delton broke it off- his pattern with relationship after relationship.NO- not worth it: Jeanine began to understand Frances: family-of-origin issues, her defense mechanisms, frailty, and injuries. Divorce felt like betrayal for Frances after the long battle for marriage equality. She believed in marriage although this marriage was not working for them. However, her commitment seemed marginal at best. Jeanine felt Francis had not been trying for a long time. Frances' commitment however was contradicted by passive-aggressive behavior: forgetting to call, silence, flat responses, and so forth. Months of therapeutic guidance working on productive communication and behaviors produced minimal benefit. Most frustrating for Jeanine was seeing Francis exhibit her capacity, skills, and investment in other relationships: friends and colleagues.
• Individual client capacity to grow and change determines individual, couple, or family change and success.• Each partner in a couple has to be affirmatively capable in four areas for therapy and the couple to be successful.• Each partner in a couple has to see his or her partner as affirmatively capable in four areas for therapy and the couple to be successful.• Therapy is often about finding or developing greater certainty around ambiguous areas.• When ambiguous stances are addressed, underlying symbolism and issues around change often are uncovered.• When one partner becomes negatively definite about one area, the relationship is done.